All you need is LOVE

Valentines day is fast approaching and throughout the world pathetic singletons are shitting it about dying alone. Every minute billions of lonely souls will piss and moan about having no one to share the most important day of the year with. Some will threaten suicide, many will just self harm , all will begrudge happy couples. I've witnessed the later first hand.

Yesterday ,Sarah ,a no hoper singleton friend, was sobbing into her soup about being lonely and depressed.It was evident she was doing her damnedest to ruin my lunch. It was nauseating stuff. I for one barely touched my starter of risotto. She had another thing coming if she thought I was going to let her selfish blubbering ruin my second course. I did what had to be done so I leaned across the table and told her to listen up; "All year long you've behaved like an undesirable dullard, I mean you work as a member of the Garda Síochána. Not attractive! "You were alone last year and the year before that and now surprise surprise your going to be alone AGAIN this year. You should have had some foresight and sorted yourself after last year", she was a bit taken aback, but I wont have another hour of my life wasted next year.

I continued on about how being "self indulgent" and "needy" would never bag her a boyfriend. Neither would eating scotch eggs in public or just anywhere, and as for walking around the streets in her ghastly uniform.Eughhhhhh.In fact come to think of it, Sarah really is a horror. I severely doubt she'll ever find a boyfriend,even after the valuable time and advice I've given her. She's just plain lazy and to be honest -plain looking.Anyway, after all my words of wisdom ,did I hear even a whisper of thanks from the moaning munter? course I bloody didn't. Ignorant culchie.

When it comes to men ,people often ask me - Jezebel what is your secret? Praise embarrasses me because I'm such a humble person, but when someone asks for advice it's only fair to pass it on. Adam and I have been together for years. In his eyes I'm God. No other woman comes close. Not even his meddling mother.

Truth be told I'm a highly desirable woman. Men would happily loose one of their lad lumps to get a sniff of one of my panty liners and I dont let Adam forget it. Not that he ever could,the amount of male attention is phenomenal. The constant cat calls in the street is at times tiresome but he knows it comes with the territory. Reading this you may think I sound arrogant but I'm the one with a boyfriend ,who adores me. So there you go.

But good looks will only get anyone so far. The late Elizabeth Taylor (I think it was her) once said to me:

“When you are beautiful and radiant, people will give you 5 more minutes of their time. Only 5. After that you better have something interesting to say for yourself.”

Lucky for me. I do. I can converse on a range of weighty subjects.It's one of the many skills I possess .I'm the envy of pretty much everyone I meet at cocktail parties. This is because I'm always educating myself. Down the years Adam has undoubtedly benefited from my genius.His IQ has definitely went up. I'm a constant stimulus for him. Scrabble is big part of our lives, obviously he can't really be considered a serious opponent for someone of my calibre. But at least he tries! Sometimes he grunts and groans with pathetic excuses about being "tired" and wanting to "take it easy" ,to which I always add "Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty, hence why I look no more than 20 and I taste 14!"

Valentines day is a time for Adam to show just how much he thinks I'm worth. Each year we're together the amount he spends should significantly go up. I like to ascertain how much Adam has spent on me and so have no qualms demanding to see a receipt. At the start of our relationship I diplomatically announced that I felt it common courtesy to give the receipt as it allows you to return it, should it be unsuitable. After last year, he knows this is not my only reason. Silly boy.

I did pretty well last year- dinner, theatre,earrings, laptop, trip to Florence and a Mulberry handbag. All relatively good gifts, but I smelt a rat. The next day I strode into Brown Thomas to the returns desk and had the bag scanned. It was bought at a marked down prize, reduced , last season. Whatever! That sort of behaviour was not going to wash with me.

Lets just say Adam wont be making the same mistake again and so I'm looking extra forward to see how he fairs this year. He has a lot to live up to after his lamentable behaviour. Love is truly in the air and I'm giddy with anticipation, lets just hope I don't have to encounter anymore begrudgers! but that doesn't mean I wont be sparing a thought for them on the big day. If I could have but one wish, it would be that everyone had someone on Valentines day.