Going Public

Public transport has never really been my thing. Even as a child I had the good sense to demand to be driven to school. So you can imagine my horror when I found myself standing at a bus stop this morning, surrounded by yobbos.

Adam had borrowed my car to drive to a family members funeral. He had been sulking about my decision not to attend with him all week. It was really getting on my wick.I never knew his gaga grandmother.I flat out refused to come visit her in that home from the get go. Weekly I found myself reiterating my feelings on Alzheimer's "Once that kicks in, they're really not worth getting to know ,waste of time," I'd tell him. But that just wasn't enough for him, he just kept on and on and me. Which was a school boy error on his part as once pressured I won't budge.Truth be told that old woman was fast becoming a thorn in my side, so good riddens to her.

Anyway with all the grieving and sulking I caved and told him he could borrow my car. I really do spoil that man. But that's love for you!

Earlier though ,as I took in my surroundings at the bus stop that love started to dwindle. Fast.It was bloody freezing and myself and the rest of the cattle where huddled together underneath the shelter to escape the rain. It was most undignified.After five minutes of hell, I sighed to those around me: “This waits a bloody joke, isn’t it?” The idiots just smiled like sheep and a woman said, “Oh, I don’t really mind waiting. There’s worse places I could be right now.” I knew at that moment that she was probably a heroin addict and the places she referred to were prisons.

After what felt like a lifetime I spotted the bus trudging down the road. My little face lit up. It was at this point I realised I had hit an all time low. Thankfully the rest of the mob were waiting on other buses. Which were undoubtably headed straight to hell or some sort of scummy council estate. I boarded the bastard ,but not before turning on my heel and adding “You're all a bunch of stupid cunts,” because that kind of language is the only kind they understand.


The journey was as grim as expected. Diseases like alcoholism, Aids and cold sores were no doubt lurking in the seats. Screaming brats and smelly old farts surrounded me. I took my seat and prayed no one would sit next to me. Next thing you know a sorry looking specimen plonked himself down beside me. The smell of piss and wet dog was overpowering. I tried not to inhale and edged closer to the window. Then he had the nerve to attempt to make chit chat with me about the weather and other banal subjects.That's when I saw them in his hand. The swine was selling The Big Issue. On a bloody bus, you're safe nowhere these days. Well I stood up before he even had a chance to ask me for €3, which is a fucking joke , by the way. "Listen up you disease-ridden waster, I'm on to you, I smelt you a mile off. I will not be accosted at this hour of the morning on the way to WORK ", I yelled. He then mumbled something feeble about just trying to be friendly and earn a living. Blablablabla.I shouted back at him: "You don't see people like me selling garbled nonsense on a bus, do you? I chose to get a real job and make my money honestly!" He made a lewd hand gesture at me. I moved seats.

Then, to my horror ,some dole scum mother with a snotty babe hanging from her arm attempted to buy a copy ."You’re not buying one of them, are you?" I asked her, incredulously. But she was already engaged with the brute scrambling for change. I mean the moron probably cant afford to buy nappies yet she was willing to hand over her "hard earned " cash to the foul smelling degenerate. "I hope you have fun spending that on your packet of heroin later!" I hissed at him.

My new seat had me sitting next to a pubescent pleb. Tinchy Stryder was pumping from his headphones and puss was pumping from his spots. I'd say he couldn't believe his luck when I sat next to him and I'm nearly convinced I saw a little bulge in his school trousers. I didn't mind though, it's very "hard" for them at that age, hormones ranging and that. He could ogle me all he wanted. No doubt I've earned a prize place in his wank bank! Bless. I'm generally a good sport about that sort of thing but when the little wanker produced a chicken roll dripping in egg mayonnaise, I felt nothing but contempt for the disgusting animal.

Firstly, eating whilst in transit is the mark of a ill mannered greedy cunt. But eating a roll of egg mayonnaise and chicken at 8.30 on a dirty old bus is beyond vile. As he gorged, I gagged. After what felt like an eternity my stop finally came up, I felt compelled to give the boy something to think about. " Enjoying that roll are you?" I chirped. "Yes you are, loving it, aborted foetus drenched in mayonnaise, wrapped up with it's dead mum in one yummy roll", I scoffed and bid him good day. I can only hope my words have hit home and the little cretin doesn't bastardise another roll or another innocent passengers morning.

It's with a heavy heart that I must admit there is a clear boundary that divides me from the other humans I share this country with. Shame it's not clearer. Today that line became blurred and boundaries were crossed. I can only console myself by remembering that, thankfully, Adam will be back with my car tomorrow and I'll be driving by the bus stop , slowly,with my two fingers up at the cattle.

All you need is LOVE

Valentines day is fast approaching and throughout the world pathetic singletons are shitting it about dying alone. Every minute billions of lonely souls will piss and moan about having no one to share the most important day of the year with. Some will threaten suicide, many will just self harm , all will begrudge happy couples. I've witnessed the later first hand.

Yesterday ,Sarah ,a no hoper singleton friend, was sobbing into her soup about being lonely and depressed.It was evident she was doing her damnedest to ruin my lunch. It was nauseating stuff. I for one barely touched my starter of risotto. She had another thing coming if she thought I was going to let her selfish blubbering ruin my second course. I did what had to be done so I leaned across the table and told her to listen up; "All year long you've behaved like an undesirable dullard, I mean you work as a member of the Garda Síochána. Not attractive! "You were alone last year and the year before that and now surprise surprise your going to be alone AGAIN this year. You should have had some foresight and sorted yourself after last year", she was a bit taken aback, but I wont have another hour of my life wasted next year.

I continued on about how being "self indulgent" and "needy" would never bag her a boyfriend. Neither would eating scotch eggs in public or just anywhere, and as for walking around the streets in her ghastly uniform.Eughhhhhh.In fact come to think of it, Sarah really is a horror. I severely doubt she'll ever find a boyfriend,even after the valuable time and advice I've given her. She's just plain lazy and to be honest -plain looking.Anyway, after all my words of wisdom ,did I hear even a whisper of thanks from the moaning munter? course I bloody didn't. Ignorant culchie.

When it comes to men ,people often ask me - Jezebel what is your secret? Praise embarrasses me because I'm such a humble person, but when someone asks for advice it's only fair to pass it on. Adam and I have been together for years. In his eyes I'm God. No other woman comes close. Not even his meddling mother.

Truth be told I'm a highly desirable woman. Men would happily loose one of their lad lumps to get a sniff of one of my panty liners and I dont let Adam forget it. Not that he ever could,the amount of male attention is phenomenal. The constant cat calls in the street is at times tiresome but he knows it comes with the territory. Reading this you may think I sound arrogant but I'm the one with a boyfriend ,who adores me. So there you go.

But good looks will only get anyone so far. The late Elizabeth Taylor (I think it was her) once said to me:

“When you are beautiful and radiant, people will give you 5 more minutes of their time. Only 5. After that you better have something interesting to say for yourself.”

Lucky for me. I do. I can converse on a range of weighty subjects.It's one of the many skills I possess .I'm the envy of pretty much everyone I meet at cocktail parties. This is because I'm always educating myself. Down the years Adam has undoubtedly benefited from my genius.His IQ has definitely went up. I'm a constant stimulus for him. Scrabble is big part of our lives, obviously he can't really be considered a serious opponent for someone of my calibre. But at least he tries! Sometimes he grunts and groans with pathetic excuses about being "tired" and wanting to "take it easy" ,to which I always add "Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty, hence why I look no more than 20 and I taste 14!"

Valentines day is a time for Adam to show just how much he thinks I'm worth. Each year we're together the amount he spends should significantly go up. I like to ascertain how much Adam has spent on me and so have no qualms demanding to see a receipt. At the start of our relationship I diplomatically announced that I felt it common courtesy to give the receipt as it allows you to return it, should it be unsuitable. After last year, he knows this is not my only reason. Silly boy.

I did pretty well last year- dinner, theatre,earrings, laptop, trip to Florence and a Mulberry handbag. All relatively good gifts, but I smelt a rat. The next day I strode into Brown Thomas to the returns desk and had the bag scanned. It was bought at a marked down prize, reduced , last season. Whatever! That sort of behaviour was not going to wash with me.

Lets just say Adam wont be making the same mistake again and so I'm looking extra forward to see how he fairs this year. He has a lot to live up to after his lamentable behaviour. Love is truly in the air and I'm giddy with anticipation, lets just hope I don't have to encounter anymore begrudgers! but that doesn't mean I wont be sparing a thought for them on the big day. If I could have but one wish, it would be that everyone had someone on Valentines day.